I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
