you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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