My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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