My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
