I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
