I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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