someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
