i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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