I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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