SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just threw up on my dentist
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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