I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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