1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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