This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You need a sexual gate keeper
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
