did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
