My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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