the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
