3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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