I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
