I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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