oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
