I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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