Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you had me at cake vodka
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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