Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
