Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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