I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
