dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
