I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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