barbara walters just said penis...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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