The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
