: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
