It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
