one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
is that a dick in a sweater?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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