You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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