I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
