I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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