its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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