When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
