I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
my poor anus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
