having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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