"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
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he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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