In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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