You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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