I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
