your parents love me but you hate me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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