Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
