My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
