i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
