sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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