he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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