her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
