I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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