if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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