Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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