Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
