You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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